Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The Mominator
I want to talk about something, we as parents, don’t want to
think about happening to our kids.
·
The CDC stated the 1/3 of girls will become
pregnant before age 20. (This 1/3 of girls can’t make a baby alone….)
·
Only 38% of teen mothers who keep their baby,
will complete High School.
·
Only 2% the above women will go on to complete
post-secondary education.
These are changeable
numbers.
It is however, unrealistic to think that all teens will
abstain from sexual intercourse, as their hormones and brains and foresight of consequence
are still in vast developmental mode until the age of 25. We, as parents need to understand that we
cannot prevent everything our children experience, bad or good. We cannot make their decisions for them all
of the time. Learning, good and bad, are
facts of life and while some kids are victims of circumstances, or associations,
a parent can only hope that they instilled in their child the best possible
factors of support and expectations early on.
It is not the
decision you make that tells your character, it is what you do after it that
proves who you really are.
Children need information.
Children need structure, time, support, love, and a goal. As a teen mother myself, and having
researched and studied teen pregnancy and prior teen mothers, particularly
those whom have successfully completed post-secondary education, there are a
series of factors that became evident as uniform among us all that allowed for
our success. This does not make YOU a bad parent if it does happen to your
family. But what you as the parent do
after knowledge of this occurring, may.
If this happens to
you or your family:
1.
You, as the parent will be disappointed and
fearful. You are all in the metaphorical
fishbowl. And all of this is ok, it is
also ok to respectfully voice this to your child as they will be looking to you
for an example and support.
2.
You, as a FAMILY, need to explore options, and
map the plan all the way out to a goal point.
I.E. if your 16 year old girl is pregnant, and say for your family the
only option is to keep the baby. The
goal point could be completion of a bachelor’s degree. That means that the teen would agree to
follow ______ rules, be expected to do and contribute______, while taking
advantage of the supports of living under the parental roof and having a family
member(s) watch the child under situations like (school, work, a few friend
events, etc.) until the successful completion of __________. At that point you have _______ time to get
stable housing, job, etc. and live out on your own.
3.
Consequences to not meeting the following need
to be stated and enforced, realize the teen is STILL a teen. The rate of getting pregnant again before 20
increases significantly for those who had their first in their teens.
4.
It is ok to fight, have issues, and as the parent, to go and take guardianship
of the child at any point you feel your child is not able to handle or is doing
things that could be of serious detriment to the baby. It is also ok to seek help.
5.
Remember, the baby did not ask to be here. It is your job as the parent of a teen who is
to be a parent, to set a good example, to love, to support, and to do what is
best for your own. If you know your
child is not able or ready or does not want the child, it is not wrong to give
it to a family who does. They call that
the ultimate sacrifice, however that decision too is wrought with emotions that
help and support are necessary parts of as well.
6.
Seek guidance from a counselor or psychologist,
the department of health and family services for your state, the school, prayer/church,
and other parents who you know have gone through the same.
7.
The most important part in all of this is the teen. Keeping to a schedule and taking baby steps
toward a goal, making mini-mile stones along the way is key to long term
responsibility and success. Keep the
teen parent busy and motivated, and you are helping them help themselves and
their child.
DO NOT, as the parent, do the following:
1.
Kick your child out
2.
Do not force a decision upon them with ultimatums.
(i.e. if you don’t have an abortion, you will be kicked out)
3.
Do not call names, beat, or ridicule the
teen. The next few months and years will
be filled with all sorts of feelings of inadequacy and name calling by the
outside world. Expressing disappointment
is fine, calling your daughter a slut, or your son a man-whore, is not.
4.
Do not isolate your family, nor your child from
the norm. They will need normalcy and structure
to be successful. Making them take responsibility
for their actions is the first step in success, but isolating them and cutting
them off from their normal peers and age appropriate things will cause angst,
anger, and resent toward you and the baby.
5.
Do not forget you were a teen once too. Do not forget the memories, the things you
did that bent or broke the rules, big or small, and the things you learned
along the way that helped you to be where you are now.
This is a long hard journey, it is filled with such joy and
blessings, but also with such disappointment and anger and loss. But with the right supports, the time, and
the motivation, families can bond intergenrationally more than they would have,
move on, and get so very close while watching an ill-timed blessing become a
gift you don’t know what you would have done without.
Happy graduation to
those teens that made it, good luck to those who are working on it and to those
teen parents out there, there is hope for you-but you cannot do it alone.
With my utmost
thanks,
The teen mom
phenomenon,
Carly.
*****************************************************
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