Cultural Variations in the "Mirror Test" of Self-Recognition

Among child development researchers, the "mirror test" is a classic experiment. This test is meant to help researchers understand when a young child begins to have a sense of self. The way the test typical goes is that a researcher places a red dot on the child's nose and then places then in front of a mirror. Very young children (under about 18 months) usually think the baby in mirror is another child so they attempt to touch the mirror. As children develop, they eventually begin to understand that the child in the mirror is themselves and they will touch their own nose to try to feel the red dot. Or so that's what Western researchers thought.

As is the case with much research, most psychological experiments such as this are conducted in Western countries, primarily the US and Canada. Recently some psychologists have taken the mirror test to non-Western countries such as Kenya, Saint Lucia, Peru, and Grenada (description of full study). In testing children ages 36-55 months, (well beyond when past research has shown that children "pass" the test) about 75-85% of the Western children "passed" the test; meaning they went to touch their own face. Among non-Westerner children, however, much lower percentages of children "passed" the test (50% or less). Does this mean that non-Western children develop a sense of self at a later age? Are these children somehow developmentally delayed?

Of course, the answer is no. This seems to clearly be a case where research does not transfer well cross-culturally. The researchers who took the study to these non-Western countries explained "that they [the children] understood that it was themselves in the mirror, that the mark was unexpected, but that they were unsure of an acceptable response and therefore dared not touch or remove it."

I find this fascinating. My first thought was that maybe non-Western children have less experience with mirrors. The researchers contend that this may be part of the issue. However, they also speculate that important cultural differences are also at work here. They hypothesize that non-Western cultures may promote quiet compliance and less emphasis on asking questions of authority figures and thus the children may simply be hesitant to say anything about the mark on their face to the researcher. In the West, by contrast, children are encouraged to be independent and ask questions in order to learn so they are more likely to point out the mark to the researcher. Pretty amazing, right? Children this young have already picked up on these silent norms of society. Of course, we don't know for sure that this is what's going on since more research is needed to test out these theories.

If these cultural differences are at work in this case, it is a wonderful example of how child development, at least some aspects, is really not culture-free. Children adopt the cultural norms and influences around them, even in very subtle ways. I think this also has interesting implications for immigrant children moving from non-Western into Western cultures. If a child moves to the U.S. from a non-Western culture, what a shock it must be for them to enter a school setting in which asking questions and being somewhat assertive is valued? Culture plays an important role in our development as humans, even when we are unaware of it.

This post originally appeared on The Thoughtful Parent

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Posted in: Development

Creating a Good Relationship with your Daughter, Especially if you haven't one with your own Mother.

This is my story, it may not ring true for everyone, but if it can help one person understand or feel better about their blessed life they lead-then my job here is done.

Given this is the week following the celebration of Mother's Day, I find this period of the year especially troubling.  I am not the first person, nor the last person, to dread this day (or father's day for the same reasons for that matter).  Nor am I the first person to be shunned or walk away from a family whose ideals they did not agree, or their lives one could not rationally, nor heart filled follow.  But for the last 12 years that I have been a mother, never did I fear nor crave a relationship with my mother more-even though I have always known it could never be. 

I have three biological daughters, one whom was born still.  I have 2 step daughters and a step son, and currently there is a family in Brazil that entrusted the care of their daughter to us, here in the US, for a foreign exchange program.  So in my house I have 6 beautiful children and 1 angel watching over us all.  My house is full and busy, many times a chaotic zoo, but fun.  We are all so blessed, and I cannot imagine for a second what it would be like to turn my back on anyone of them at any point in their lives unless they did something insanely horrible, like murder, pedophilia, rape, etc...I may show them tough love at times, but home is a place that they should always be able to "come as you are", and leave when your wings are repaired (or I am tired of you.....which ever comes first ;) )  Now, I may not like everything they say or do, I may offer unsolicited advice, but once they cross the threshold of HS graduation they are on their own.  And it is at this point I pray that what I tried to teach them, sinks in.

My mother and I have always differed in our thoughts on life and everything in it.  She was insanely protective and a perfectionist on the surface (clothes, hair, shoes, etc.).  I was the oldest of three.  There are four things my mother used to tell me often:

• 1. (Because I look more like my aunt) Your aunt is actually your mother, but she gave you to me to raise because she couldn't.
• 2. When you were a baby, every time I tried to hold you and hold on to you tighter you wanted to get further away from me and explore.
• 3. I have dreams about you dying and I would not ever be able to handle you dying before me.
• 4. Because you are the oldest and every decision I make is new and you are a tester for your brother and sister, sometimes I feel like I should throw you out and start over.

My mother was also not very cuddly nor loving in the physical sense.  Seeing her cry watching sad movies was always very shocking.  She was judgemental, and often had very negative things to say about people.  But I know she loved me, and still does, in the only way she can-restrictive and protective. I always tried to impress her and make her proud and do what she said, until I could not anymore.  I made some large mistakes that followed-having a baby at 17, getting married at 18 to an alcoholic, divorcing at 25 and approaching my second marriage at the ripe old age of 29, to the man I should have waited for all along (that darn hindsight), and old friend, that I have known for a decade. She has not spoken to me since July-telling me that she was letting me (and her grandchildren) go and would contact me when I live the life she wanted for me.  All of this, in front of her grandchildren.  The most troubling things about this is she took the entire family with her-not one of them ask me for my side of what happened, and they all turned their backs on me, and secondly the way I felt after the initial shock of it all- relieved.  A huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders-one I never really knew existed.

That weight release shocked me more than the separation did, even to this day when she sends me letters in the mail jabbing and berating, in the name of the Lord.  And I, the studier of people new and long gone, decided to take a deep look in to relationships with partners and relationship with mothers-to see if I could prevent this emotional devastation and upheaval with my own girls. 

In relationships with a partner, common things that make for a good relationship are: trust, respect, love, communication, roles of equality, gratitude/thankfulness, and "as much as I want to kill you right now I won't because I would miss you way tooo much."  If you breech any of these significantly the relationship is strained and could, more than likely collapse.  If you look at infidelity as an example-the cheater is not respectful of their partner, for their inability to resist temptation and cheat, AND they are unable to communicate the things they are missing that once drew them to crave and desire their current long-term/legal/etc. partner.  But turning their focus to an outsider of the relationship they also are relinquishing gratitude for all they have and have built with their partner up to that point.  In a maternal relationship you have the above and the following-familial patterns, expectation, dreams, loyalty, sociatal constructs, innate and genetic bonds and ethnic understanding, dictations for the minor years, patterns and need-indebtedness for survival for 18 years, and expressed and embedded responses to you-good and bad.  Actions that speak way louder than words,that scar and that benefit or kill reactions once they hit adulthood.  All in all- motherhood is riddled with blame and pressures like no other job one will ever have, hold, and not be paid monetarily for.  Where the risks FAR outweigh the benefits and successes, and the fear of hurt (mental, emotional, or physical) is always there. 

So, where then do "good moms" versus "not so good moms" in accordance of relationships, differ?  Respect and communication in observable actions.  My mother for the most part in front of me was stoic and inhuman, opinionated, and a martyr when she did not get her way.  She snuck and hid things from my dad, she gave no respect to the only income, his, and how long he worked to bring it in.  She would buy what she wanted for us and others, much to the frustrations of my father-to uphold some untouchable perfect image of gift giving and appearance. (I did a paper on this in college looking at instant gratification and self sacrifice with shopping and tangible itemsm titled, Buying Love)  During a period of long term illness, that nearly took her life, she would tell us (my father and I) that we were the reason she got sick (i blamed the drugs now for this, but at the time I cannot say I did).  She demanded I perform in a manor that represented her well, and berated me when I did not in the privacy of the home or car.   For she, was taking her time to give me these great opportunities and I was wasting them.  This continued through my parenting, my household upkeep, even while I worked a full time job and/or went to school, when my children were bathed but able to run outside in mismatched pajamas and no socks and shoes, etc.  And when the flood gates of expectation and spite took over-well, There but for the grace of God go I.  That God I know does not put before us things not meant for some purpose, nor even in the worst of times give us more than we can handle.  And so I bear it.  And try desperately not to repeat it.

What do I do given this example?  It would have been easier not to replicate it if my mother was incarcerated, or dead, or a neglectful addict.  But it is not the case.  What occurred simply was she loved me soooooo very much she was unable to let me breathe and learn on my own and be there to catch me when I fall-for fear that I would ruin her or I-and because of this inability to teach release and communicate freely, her worst nightmares came true.  I do not blame her for decisions I made-those are mine alone- but what I do blame her for is her inability to be human and communicate with me emotions and information that I believe would have helped a very curious and naive me out of skunk holes. So with my girls, I make it known-my happiness, my confusion, my sadness, my scatterbrained ness, a headache, my gratitude, my love and affection, and my arms-there forever and always.  I make known for them and keep consistent my rules and expectations, the lessons learned, and when they go from bad decisions to good ones of the same nature.  I have the uncomfortable talks with them. I let them tell me what they will be when they grow up.  I never tell them what I expect other than at 18 you have three choices and 1 container-choose well.*

Sometimes they ask me what I think they would be good at as an adult, or what I see them as.  And I tell them careers and jobs that fit their already strong suits- be it with children, animals, logistics, sports, art, etc.  I sometimes tell them that I expect them to find the malformed gene or genetic coded trigger for autism and crohns, if they want to gain the super secret treasure box of candy love in the very bottom of my heart. With a smile and a hug I believe they know that I am only half serious, and it gives them a real world purpose to explore until the real world is on their door step.  But-it is not forced, nor explicitly necessary to make me so very grateful they are here and healthy, and that I was blessed with their love-and I tell them everyday. I also listen-I do not tell them how they should be-I listen to their fears, hurts, disappointments, sometimes telling them to learn to deal with it as it is not worth it in the long run, and other times just holding them when they cry-trying to point out the blessings and the positives and where to go from here.

So, I am not worried.  In life YOU have two options-you can dwell or focus on the positives or the negatives.  You can martyr and mourn or you can pick up and move on.  I am the type to look for the good in the why-with out having to know why, picking up my pcs and moving on...instead of dwelling on what could have been and poor, me, me, me...and how you are hurting me and my reputation.  Kids are kids.  And mom's are moms.  We will always fear the worst for our kids, expect the best that is unreal in the first place, and when all is said and done-settle for what makes our baby's happy, functional, strong souls.

The difference between me and my mom; starts with a goodbye and ends with a "hey, mom-thank you."  My mom never had to learn how to appreciate the little and wonderful goods-she never went in to a hospital expecting a baby only to come out days later empty handed.  She never had to appreciate the reality of buring her own baby.  Because of our flawed relationship and my loss, I am actually grateful, but it took years to get there.  Without both of those things I could not be the strong and appreciative mother I am today.  I am blessed, and I am eternally grateful-for when I get to St. Peter and I am asked how I lived and loved-there will be a jumpy baby awaiting my arms and I will be eternally blessed in fulfillment of God's greatest gift, one I was lucky enough to receive in mortal life-pure, undying, nonrestrictive love for another.

Until next time,

The mominator.

*When turning 18 and graduating HS, I have told my children since they were really small, their options are: military, college, or full time employment.  Either way-they each have a 40 gallon Tupperware container with their names on it.  I will not store or move for them, anymore than that 1 singular container in my house during their "periods of self exploration," where they live in tiny places all over God's green planet. :)

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Top 10: Ways Parents can lead by Example

by Dyan Eybergen

Good leaders must lead by example; and who is in a position to lead better than a parent? Through a parent’s actions, which are aligned with what they say, they become a person their children want to follow. When parents say one thing but do another, they erode trust – a critical element of productive leadership – and parenting.

Here are 10 of the dozens of ways to parent by example:

1. Take responsibility. As a parent when you haven’t handled a situation correctly, or made a mistake, or blamed a child without evidence, you can always go back and take ownership for what mistakes you made. Taking responsibility will go a long way in helping you to make amends and repair relationships.

2. Be truthful. Inaccurate representation affects everyone. Show that honesty really IS the best policy. And when your children tell the truth, no matter how insignificant, give positive reinforcement by appreciating their honesty.

3. Be courageous. Take calculated risks that demonstrate commitment to a larger purpose.  Show consciousness for those less fortunate and bring awareness to the importance of servitude. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in; but do it with grace and respect.

4. Acknowledge failure. It makes it OK for your children to do the same. When we define failure as an extraordinary opportunity for learning, we create an atmosphere where it is alright to safely explore, take risks and learn from our mistakes.

5. Be persistent. Try, try again. Go over, under or around any hurdles to show that obstacles don’t define who you are. When things are important enough you make them a priority in your life no matter how hard you have to struggle to make something happen.

6. Create solutions. Don’t dwell on problems; instead be the first to offer solutions and then ask your team for more. Demonstrate to your children fair conflict resolution skills.

7. Listen. Ask questions. Seek to understand. You’ll receive valuable insights about your children and set a tone that encourages healthy dialogue; not to mention, you will also maintain their respect!

8. Delegate liberally. Encourage an atmosphere in which people can focus on their core strengths. Make it known that everyone in the family helps to keep the household functioning – chores are a natural part of living within a family unit.

9. Take care of yourself. Exercise, don’t overwork, and take a break. Teach your children to do the same. A balanced family, mentally and physically, is a successful family. Model it, encourage it, support it! 

10. Roll up your sleeves. Help your children to accurately assess their abilities and manage their weaknesses. You’ll inspire greatness in your children when you actively pay attention to their strengths and interests and have realistic expectations of them.

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A Boy "Achievement Crisis": The Research Behind the Headlines

There have been several high-profile news articles out recently that discussed the state of boys’ educational achievement. Some authors point out that boys have fallen behind girls in many measures of academic achievement such as grades, Advanced Placement exam completion, and college graduation rates. Many attribute these statistics to a couple of primary factors: (1) differences in boys “noncognitive” skills such as attentiveness, persistence, and self-control; and (2) the types of messages boys receive about their academic capabilities. Let’s briefly consider each of these factors and see if we can understand what might be going on with boys’ achievement patterns.

“Noncognitive Skills”

First off, it is well-documented that certain “noncognitive skills” are very important to any child’s long-term success. Most recently well-known authors Ellen Galinsky and Paul Tough have make compelling cases in their books about the importance of these skills. These skills include things like attentiveness, persistence, self-control, and curiosity. Generally speaking, it is true that young boys often take longer to develop these skills compared to young girls. However, this is not to say that boys cannot or do not develop these skills as they mature.

The development of these skills is important not only for their direct usefulness in the classroom (and life), but also because of their role in adults’ perception of children, especially boys. Some studies have shown that teachers rate boys as less proficient when they lack these “noncognitive” skills, even when their actual test scores are similar to girls.

Stereotypes for Boys

This concern with perception is important for understanding the second factor that seems to be at play in the underachievement of boys. At least one study has found that boys as young as 7 years old associate poor school performance or behavior with boys, rather than girls. Similarly, girls as young as 4 years old also make this association. In other words, at a young age both boys and girls hold a stereotype that boys do less well in school.

Interestingly, in a related line of research, scholars have shown that this underachievement stereotype for boys is particularly prevalent and damaging to boys from lower socioeconomic backgrounds. Among these boys, they are often ridiculed if they achieve in academic pursuits. Instead, skills such as being tough or athletic are often more highly valued socially. By comparison, boys from middle- or upper-income backgrounds tend to more often value educational achievement. Studies like this suggest that the so-called “gender gap” in educational achievement is really more of a “class gap.”   

The good news is that it does seem possible to counteract these underachievement stereotypes. In a follow-up study, researchers found that when kids were told boys and girls could do equally well in school, boys achievement went up, while girls’ performance was not affected.

As you can tell from all this research, the issue of boys’ underachievement is a complex one. There may be some differences in young children’s noncognitive skills, yet these seem to be exacerbated by long-standing stereotypes of boys’ underachievement. It seems schools and parents need to work together to help overcome this issue and help all boys achieve to their highest potential.

School settings can help foster the development of these noncognitive skills as well as make classrooms more conducive to boys (especially young boys) need for movement and physical exertion. Practices such as eliminating recess or encouraging long periods of desk time do not typically fit well with young boys’ boundless energy.

Additionally parents and teachers should be aware of these stereotypes and try to combat them whenever possible. All students should be expected and encouraged to do their best academically with an understanding that the knowledge and skills they learn will help them throughout their lives. 

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Posted in: academics,boys

Allow them to be themselves

I think if we could let our children and youth frolic in the fields throughout their upbringing, we would see child and youth mental health issues decrease. I have been noticing an interesting trend amongst the children and youth I am working with. Typically a child or youth is referred to the centre I am at when there is something going array at school, but during the breaks there are few referrals.

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Posted in: Elementary School,Elementary School Children

Diaper Bag Essentials

My sister just gave birth to the most perfect little bundle of joy, and with me being a parent for almost 12 years, I was happy to give her some advice and send her a little bag full of must-haves for the diaper bag!

I thought I would share it with you also! Of course everyone knows to pack diapers in the diaper bag, but there are a few little tricks and tips of things to keep in your bag that don't take up much room, but could totally save you in an emergency ( especially the poopy kind!)

Diaper Bag Essentials :

*ID- just use a luggage tag, have your name and cell phone number on it, plus an emergency contact number

*Extra tshirt for mom- the baby WILL puke on you at some point

*Little scented garbage bags or walmart bags - to put poopy clothes in

*Extra binkys- they will get lost .... have backup!

*Small towels ( clean cloth diapers)- perfect for burp rags!

*Little Tummys brand gripe water- really good for colic

*Nose aspirator ( booger sucker)- for those tiny little nostrils

*Wipes.... lots and lots of wipes- enough said.

*Formula babies .... bring formula and bottled water, so easy to mix

*Breastfed babies.... extra water bottle for mommy

*Hand sanitizer

*Teething gel or teething tablets ( Hyland brand is awesome)

*Shout brand wipes, or any kind of stain remover wipes ( when the baby spits up on the new sweater that grandma knit... take it off and wipe it quick! :)

*Extra outfits for baby..... they will poop and puke!

*A small thing of lotion... after they have an "accident" rub it all over them, so people can drool over how wonderful your baby smells! Also good for mommy's dry hands!

*Diapers... this one is self-explanatory! IT is called a diaper bag for a reason!

Good luck to all the new momma's and dad's!

　

　

　

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Posted in: Babies,baby,bringing baby home,Infants,new baby

My In-Laws are Driving me Nuts: New Research on In-Law Relationships

In-law struggles seem to be a natural part of the transition to marriage. Movies are continuously made that address the topic of in-law relationship problems (i.e. "The In-Laws", "Meet the Parents", "The Son-in-Law", "Monster-in-Law"). Just this week I took my family to see the movie "The Croods", and sure enough there was an aspect of the movie that dealt with in-law relationships. This got me thinking about the myths and facts about the transition to marriage and negotiation of in-law relationships. Surprisingly the research I found countered some of the most commonly held beliefs as presented in pop culture. For instance, the most quintessential in-law struggle that is seen is either between the husband and his in-laws. It is almost taken for granted that the husband WILL have in-law struggles. Rarely are we shown positive in-law relations in pop culture. Yet, recent research suggests that the quality of the in-law relationship seems to determine the strength of the marital relationship (i.e. positive relationship means strong marriage). This may sound like a no-brainer, but the surprising fact is that contrary to popular belief, spouses can have a positive relationship with their in-laws, and doing so improves their marital relationship. 
Orbuch, Bauermeister, Brown and McKinley (2013) published a 16 year longitudinal study on the transition to marriage and how in-law relationships affect the marital relationship. They specifically looked at two potentially confounding factors of race and gender and how males/females and Black American/White American families negotiate this transition. They found that for husbands (both Black American and White American) the closer they felt to their in-laws the less likely they would get a divorce over the first 16 years of marriage. Suggesting that if husbands can negotiate the in-law relationship early on in marriage, so they are able to have a closer relationship with their in-laws, this relationship can be a protective factor in their marriage over the first 16 years of marriage. Again this counters popular cultural presentations of the husbands relationship to in-laws, wherein husbands CAN and do have a positive relationship with their in-laws. 
Orbuch and colleagues (2013) found some interesting results when looking at wives relationship to in-laws. For White American wives, the closer they felt to their in-laws during the first year of marriage the more likely the marriage would end in divorce over the first 16 years of marriage. However, for Black American wives, the closer they felt to their in-laws during the first year of marriage the less likely the marriage would end in divorce over the first 16 years of marriage. It is most interesting to me that feeling close to in-laws during the first year of marriage can increase the likelihood of divorce over time. 
Obviously there are many different reasons this could be the case, however, it is something that newly married couples should be aware of. I am in no way suggesting that new wives should shun their in-laws during the first year at the hopes of countering this research, but having an awareness of possible reasons for these results and making sure to strengthen your marital relationship in the process can help avoid you becoming a statistic. 

• What are your thoughts? 
• Why do you think the results were different for Black American vs. White American wives?
• What advice would you give a newlywed considering these results? 

Orbuch, T. L., Bauermeister, J. A., Brown, E. and McKinley, B.-D. (2013), Early Family Ties and Marital Stability Over 16 Years: The Context of Race and Gender. Family Relations, 62: 255–268. doi: 10.1111/fare.12005
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Posted in: family relationships,in-laws,Marriage

Swords, Guns, and Pretend Violence: Just Kids Play or Something More?

Have you ever watched a group of preschool-aged boys play together without much direction from adults? Having a 3-year-old boy myself, I see this quite often. Inevitably, by the end of it, there will be some sort of pretend fight, wrestling match, or weapon play involved. You may wonder if boys today are just prone to violence. I would argue that boys (or girls for that matter) are not any more prone to violence now than at any other period in history, but rather that this type of pretend play fills a very basic, almost innate, developmental need in young children.

From an adult perspective, pretend violence (especially guns) seems problematic, but kids have a totally different mindset. Young kids don’t have the same understanding of these issues as we do. They are still trying to figure out the difference between good and evil and the distinction between fiction and reality.

Young children also may have fears. When you think about it, there are a lot of aspects of life that little kids have no control over. Playing with pretend guns or superhero play may help them garner a sense of control that they do not have in the real world. Most psychologists agree that this type of rough and tumble play also is helpful in kids learning empathy, self-control and boundaries. If you watch kids play closely, you will notice that many times they are regulating themselves and know when the play has gone too far and will stop, many times even without the intervention of an adult.

Some researchers have argued that the lessons learned through rough play may actually prevent children from becoming violent later in life. Noted physician and psychiatrist, Dr. Stuart Brown, has found a noticeable absence of active, rough-and-tumble play in the profiles of many violent criminals. One important distinction, however, is the contrast between pretend violence and real violence. If a child plays gun fight or wrestles with other kids but in “real life” is kind and considerate of their friends’ feelings, then the child is obviously learning the difference between fiction and reality and is probably fairly well-adjusted. If, however, a child is violent or aggressive towards friends or animals in real life activities, then this could be a sign that the child is troubled and the adults in their life should monitor this behavior very closely.

Recently there has been a series of troubling news stories of kids being suspended for pretend gun play. Although it’s good to be aware of how kids are playing, this type of extreme discipline lacks an understanding of children’s development and in the end, may just confuse kids even more. Ultimately, young children are just trying to make sense of the world and their place in it and part of this task is understanding good and evil. As adults, we must take on the difficult task of trying to explain these issues to our children instead of simply hoping they go away.

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Posted in: Play,pretend