Parenting With Humor

Sometimes we as parents take things too seriously and are too quick to get angry.  If we put things into perspective, most of the mischievious things our kids do are not the end of the world.  One thing I have learned as a parent is how important it is to laugh often and laugh with my kids.  Discipline is important too, but frequently I find myself thinking, "This is going to be a great story!"  I realized one day that every minute of every day, I had something I could be angry about - the dishes someone didn't put away, the shoes in the middle of the room, the wasted food, candy wrappers in their bedroom, etc, but that was no way to live and wasn't going to create a good relationship with my kids.  I knew they wouldn't remember later what they did wrong.  They would remember their mom being angry and hurting their feelings.

We have to admit too, many things are partially or totally our fault.  I was at first fuming when my daughter decided to "decorate" our bathroom drawers with a Sharpie, but she wouldn't have had the opportunity to do it if it hadn't been left out in the first place.  I did notice quickly that she locked the bathroom door, but it took me a while to find something to pick the lock with.

After I opened the door and surveyed the damage, she declared with a maniacal laugh that her brother did it.  She did get a time-out, but I also took a picture because I knew it would be funny later.  My husband came home with a product called "Off the Wall" and now it's a somewhat distant memory.  I highly recommend it, but make sure you ventilate the place well.

Remember that stuff can be replaced or fixed.  Our relationships with our kids are way more important.  I tried really hard to remember that when my boys ripped their bedroom door off the hinges.  And when my son smeared peanut butter on every surface he could reach after I had just cleaned.  And when my daughter smashed a whole carton of eggs on the kitchen floor when she learned to open the refrigerator. 

During a major tattling phase my boys went through, I made them laugh, but also made a point when I started tattling on them to each other.  Then my daughter became very particular about how she wanted her sandwich cut and I seized the opportunity to turn the tables when she brought me an imaginary sandwich.  I asked her, "Did you cut it into triangles?"  She smiled, "Yes ......"  I snapped, "I wanted rectangles!"  The look on her face was priceless, as if to say, "Wow, that really is annoying.  I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter."  Then she ate it.

I have definitely become a more relaxed and fun parent with time.  Believe me, it's a happier way to be and getting all worked up doesn't solve anything.



*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: Discipline,Humor,Parenting,Perspective

The Sleep Training Debate ~ By Amy Webb

I just wanted to bring to everyone's attention that a really great article was written by one of our author team members, Amy, over on her site in regards to the baby sleep training debate. Here is an excerpt:

By Amy Webb

 

Okay, we all know that sleep training is one of the most often-debating topics among parenting circles. Some parents swear by the "cry-it-out" method (I don't care for this term, but it's the common terminology) while others think it's akin to torture for an infant. I have to say, that before having a child I had not given this topic a lot of thought or research. Although I was in grad school in Human Development for 4 years, I do not ever recall reading one single research article on this topic. After having a child, sleep, namely, how to get my son to sleep, became an all-consuming topic for me. I soon realized that I had never read a research article on this topic because there are very few good, solid studies conducted about sleep training, how or if it works, and its effects on children.

Now, my point with this post is not to come down on one side or the other regarding sleep training. Overall, I think it is up to each family to decide how to manage sleep issues in their family based on their values and needs. My point is to illustrate how the media often frames controversial issues like this in a way that is misleading and oversimplifies the research they claim to be referencing.

First, let me discuss a few things that we do know in regards to responsive parenting...

TO READ THE REST OF THE ARTICLE, CLICK HERE TO GO TO HER SITE, THE THOUGHTFUL PARENT.

*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: Infant Sleep,Research and Parenting,Research Blogging,Sleep Strategies

Maternity Leave: How does a new mommy prepare to return to work?

I was working a part-time retail job prior to having my son.  At the time I determined that I would actually save money by being a stay at home mom.  I had the option to do so then since I was married and had a good household income.  I was able to be a stay at home mom for over three years, having to return to work full-time when my daughter was around a year old.  Going back to work was rather difficult for me emotionally.  My son has special needs and required more attention back then and my daughter was experiencing many of her "firsts."  I was thankful to have a family member be able to provide child care for them in my home, but it was still not the same as me being there with them.  My daughter took her first steps one day while I was at work.  Although I was able to have that moment captured on video for me to view later, I felt the disappointment of not being there when it happened. 

Many mothers are faced with the dilemma of returning to work after just a few short weeks of maternity leave.  More than half of all mothers of infants return to work within the first three months postpartum, with the majority of these mothers working full-time.  Having a poorer quality job is more likely to cause depressive symptoms in mothers returning to work full-time than the amount of hours worked (Marshall & Tracy, 2009).

Likely having work that a mother finds enjoyable and meaningful makes the separation from the infant or young child easier to accept.  If a job is of poor quality and has a negative connotation for the mother, it can be quite easy to have thoughts and feelings of resentment towards the work environment since it's viewed as taking time away from the infant or young child that is not enjoyable for the mother.  Quite often there are times when new or even seasoned mothers welcome opportunities to have meaningful adult interactions.  It is the quality of the work that most greatly impacts the positive or negative feelings that a mother associates with their parent-child separation.

Mothers who have poorer quality jobs can review employment policy and procedures and advocate for changes and improvements to be made that are more family friendly.  Some employers have options for flex-time and alternative work schedules.  Taking initiative to improve a poorer quality work environment will provide the mother with empowerment and more positive feelings.

References:
Marshall, N. L. & Tracy, A. J. (2009). After the baby: Work-Family conflict and working mothers' psychological health. Family Relations, 58, 380-391.

Image citation:

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Family_g212-Mother_And_Her_Newborn_Baby_p57568.html
*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: maternity leave.,Moms - Work and Family Life,Research Blogging,work and families

Practical Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong

From my experience, a successful marriage hinges on the following key habits: creating satisfying love and friendship rituals, creating a safe place to discuss issues openly and finally, utilizing good communication skills to express feelings and opinions . Sounds simple..doesn't it?

As we navigate through life, we are sometimes faced with many challenges such as work related issues, health problems and financial difficulties that can put enormous strain on a marriage. This being said, it seems more and more difficult to set  aside time for our spouse.

Since a strong marriage is one in which the married couple spends quality time together, couples have to make time to just be alone together. Here are a few ideas to keep your marriage strong:

1) Set aside time everyday to talk with your spouse. Talk about issues openly and resolve them in an efficient manner. Don't leave issues unresolved for an extended period of time.

2) Create meaningful rituals. For example, plan a romantic supper or a weekend getaway.

3) Write a letter to your spouse telling him or her how important he or she is to you. 

4) Keep a journal. For example, write each other love notes. 

When married couples share meaningful experiences, they stay emotionally connected to each other and can become better equipped to face life's challenges.

What are you doing to keep your marriage strong?

Julie Caissie, Ph.D student in education, welcomes your comments at her email: julie.caissie@umoncton.ca

Read more »

Posted in: Marriage,Strengthening Marriage

How To Increase Your Child's Sleep Quality

By Michael
I'm a big fan of John Gottman and his Emotion Coaching approach to parenting (Gottman & Declaire, 1997). So when I read the research article by Teti, Kim, Mayer and Countermine (2010) I was very intrigued by their work. For those unfamilair with Emotion Coaching, it is a style of parenting John Gottman discovered while researching couples and families. The basic premise is that parents are emotionally aware and available to help "coach" their children on how to deal appropriately with their emotions. It is a great approach to parenting that I highly encourage everyone to look into. However, this post will focus more on the work of Teti and his colleagues (2010).
Emotional Availability at Bedtime
Teti and associates (2010) suspected that the emotional availability of parents at bedtime would create a feeling of safety and security which would increase a child's sleep quality. To test this they examined both the parenting practices at bedtime (such as the bedtime routine and/or sleep training) as well as the emotional availability at bedtime (such sensitivity, non-intrusiveness, and non-hostility). 
The findings were amazing. While bedtime practices were not significantly related to child sleep, the emotional availability of the parent at bedtime was significantly related to child sleep. In terms of research, the relationship was pretty strong (between -.44 and -.56). In laymen's terms, this means that as parents' emotional availability increased, child sleep problems decreased. 
How to Benefit From This Research
Research is done for many reasons, however sometimes it is difficult to find practical use of research. The results from this research can benefit many families who want to increase the quality of their child's sleep (and in the process their own). While not yet tested, you may want to try some of the suggestions to see if your child sleeps longer and better at night: 

• Determine which parent would be most likely to be emotionally available and designate them as the parent who puts the child to bed. If possible, have both parents present! 
• Demonstrate emotional availability by:
• being sensitive to your child's needs; respond to demands and requests with warmth and connection.
• set developmentally appropriate limits and scaffold your child's activities.
• respect your child's autonomy and personal space.
• suppress your anger or hostility and interact lovingly with your child. 

While it is not possible to respond in the above ways 100% of the time, the more you do, the more likely you will be to increase your child's sleep quality. 

The following website may be helpful to visit for more information:

http://www.parentingcounts.org/

So, do you think this will increase the quality of your child's sleep? Have you tried being more emotionally available at bedtime? If so, has it seemed to work? 

Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. New York, New York: Simon and Schuster.

Teti, D. M., Kim, B., Mayer, G., & Countermine, M. (2010). Maternal emotional availability at bedtime predicts infant sleep quality. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(3), 307-315. doi:10.1037/a0019306

*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: Bedtime Routine,Emotions

Can Church Help a Single Parent?

The Power of a Community

“It takes a village to raise a child.” Although the origin of the proverb is not easily ascertained, the truth it represents is widely accepted. While this blog site primarily focuses on the importance of parents in the lives of children, the community within which a child is raised also plays a significant factor. Parents have long depended upon a greater community in the successful raising of children. While all families can benefit from the social capital that comes from involvement with a community, a recent article shows that single mothers’ involvement in a religious community has significant positive impact on their children during early childhood development.

            The research by Richard Petts of Ball State University focuses on a family structure that is not the norm of most religious institutions. Petts’s (2012) claims that most research involving families and religious institutions focuses on “the heterosexual two-parent families” which are the prototypical norm those institutions promote (p. 264). However, in recent years more single mothers are finding a place of support in religious communities. And, those single mothers who attend services frequently are seeing greater positive outcomes in their children and in their families.

            So, what are some of the positive outcomes? Here are four positive outcomes shown in the research.

1. Decreased Problem Behavior in Children. In the study, children of single mothers who were more frequent attenders in church had lower externalized and internalized problem behaviors. Externalized problem behaviors are those such as aggression, destroying things, fighting, and demanding excessive attention. Internalized problem behaviors include being withdrawn, being unhappy, expressing feelings of loneliness, excessive crying, and feelings of guilt and worry.

2. Greater Parental Involvement. Perhaps due to the emphasis of religious organizations on encouraging family relationships, these children also experienced increased involvement with their mother and their nonresident father.

3. Reduced Parenting Stress. The mothers also exhibited less stress. Being involved with the community helps the mothers deal with stressful issues and provides support and respite in times of need.

4. Less Corporal Punishment. Children should like that one! The researcher attributes the reduction in corporal punishment to the sanctification of family relationships. It is also possibly due to the lower problem behaviors in children and the lower stress levels in mothers.

As a father of two young kids, I have the utmost respect for single mothers. Honestly, I have no idea how they do all the things they do! They really are super moms in my view. However, even Superman had his Super Friends.

So, what plans do you have Sunday morning?

Petts, R. J. (2012), Single Mothers' Religious Participation and Early Childhood Behavior. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74: 251–268. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2011.00953.x

Image provided by www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: Church,Community,Religion,single parenting

Over-Reacting May Worsen Toddler Tantrums

If you are the parent of a toddler, as I am, you know that it is a somewhat tricky time as a parent. Your child is asserting his/her independence, often in ways that make your life difficult or test your patience. If your child is anything like mine, the words, “I do it by myself” is a constant refrain. Add to this, the fact that toddlers are often testing limits, and you have a recipe for many potential high-stress situations.

Well, a recent piece of research should give you a little hope. Researchers at the Oregon Social Learning Center recently published an article showing that parents who can keep their “cool” when their youngsters test their patience, have a better of chance of their kids not having behavior problems in the future. The study is actually quite impressive from a research perspective. The scientists were able to study 361 families and assess their children at three time points—9 months, 18 months, and 27 months. To be able to follow that many families over three points of time is a feat not many researchers attempt.

The primary finding of the study showed that children whose parents who have a tendency to over-react and/or are quick to get angry with them, are more likely to have more tantrums and negative behavior at age 2. Is important to note that most children increase in their tantrum-type behavior during this toddler period, but this study clearly showed that children whose parents over-reacted increased in this negative behavior even more than average.

The good news for parents is that if you can maintain your “cool” while still setting firm boundaries, you are helping your child learn emotion regulation by your example. When a child misbehaves it is often tempting to react quickly out of emotion and not think about the consequences. It is often a struggle to keep your emotions contained, but if you can keep your composure and discipline the child with less intense negative emotion, the child will slowly learn how to regulate their own emotions as well. So take heart parents, we can survive those toddler years without losing our sanity.

Lipscomb, S., Leve, L., Shaw, D., Neiderhiser, J., Scaramella, L., Ge, X., Conger, R., Reid, J., & Reiss, D. (2012). Negative emotionality and externalizing problems in toddlerhood: Overreactive parenting as a moderator of genetic influences Development and Psychopathology, 24 (01), 167-179 DOI: 10.1017/S0954579411000757 

Photo credit*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: Tantrums,Toddlers

(Un)Holy Hormones!

I am fairly certain that I am not the only parent out there that has has the privilege of watching a female child come in to their own.  I am sure the male counterparts experience some of the same change as they grow, I can only truthfully attest to the female side, for which I have 2.  One in full swing and one coming up the shoot.

Last week, Lil, my youngest, was dreadfully ill with the common petri dish mix that a classroom of 7 and 8 year olds can conjure up.  She, being the kind and sharing soul that she is, donated her illness to me, her nurturing, accommodating, and doting mother.  Needless to say, I was in bed as early as 630 a few days that week.  Watching our tightly organized world fall to mush around us, visible by the pile of dishes in the sink, unmatched socks, laundry heaps, and no clean towels, my 11 year old, did what any 11 year old would do, right?!  She unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, she started a load of towels, and folded and sorted a load of clothes.  She even snuggled in bed with me and her still fevered sister. 

I did not know she did this until a few hours later when the washer buzzed.  I was stunned.  Not in the fact that she knew how, both of my kids know how to do the above, but the fact she had the selflessness, and the visibility to see something lacking and just do something about it.  She was not looking for payment, or bribery.  She simply saw a need and filled it.  This is the maturity, the potential maturity of a child.  This is where the responsibility, the trust, the adult capabilities, we as parents see in our children stem from.  This is part of the reason we can be SO baffled when they do something stupid or cry like a baby only a few short hours later.

(When I refer to a child's actions as stupid, please note that from the parental perspective, the actions are rather dumb and dumbfounding, but to that child, they lack the foresight to understand the consequences possible in the same light as the adult does, as it is possible they have lived through it.)

Come Saturday, still being most impressed with her for her intuitive need filling, I told her we would go out looking for a duvet cover for her comforter.  She has asked for one for probably 3 or 4 months, and we hadn't really taken the time to look. I told her and her sister to get dressed and we would go looking.  She was so excited, she jumped up and down, she said she thought I forgot, and ran to get ready.  About 7 min later I can hear her screaming at her sister, crying to near bawling, and slamming things around. (behaviors that send me in to a flaming hot tizzy)

As I come flying to the bedroom they share, her and I collide.  She death gripped me, snot and tears running down her face.  Lil, was laying in a mangled protection of blankets on her bed. 

"I hit her mom.  I couldn't take it any more.  She is being a brat, she is wearing my socks!  They are my socks.  She always does this.  Sometimes she wears my panties!!!!! I hate it.  She has her own stuff.!!!!!"

"So let me understand, you hit you sister because she is wearing your socks.  You are freaking out over a pair of socks, for which you both have hundreds of, and they cost 1.99 or less."

"Yes!  But you don't understand.  It is MY stuff!!! not HERS!!!!"

" No, I fully understand that.  I will talk to her about that on the side.  My larger concern is the way you handled both your emotion and your anger."

" I know.  I am sorry.  I can feel it coming, but I don't know how to stop it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that same day, after we had shopped for a few hours, and although we did not get the duvet cover, the girls did get a few nice things.  Each got a small lotion/body spray thing they wanted at Bath and Body works, a fresh hot churro at the local produce market, their own soda's at the gas station, crystallized ginger candy from the spice shop we like, and a mix of some of their favorite things from the local Italian deli for dinner that night.  Both children were so happy and thankful and excited.........until.....

As I was making dinner, and working on my thesis, there was another banterfest between the two of them which resulted in my yelling at both of them.  Needless to say when dinner was plated and the call for eating occurred, only one child came to the table.  The other went to the bathroom and slammed the door. (yet another irritating behavior.).  I waited approximately 2-3 minutes, excused myself from the table, went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and let myself in.  I calmly explained to her how rude her behavior was.  I let her talk and get it all out, including the tears, and told her she was expected to adjust herself and be at the table in 2 min or less.

At the table, after about a minute or so she was laughing so hard, and joking around as though nothing had happened.

...And the cycle continues. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A tip for Parents:

Read the books and apply common sense. It takes both.  Being involved in the scholarly threshold I know and have read the theories on childhood development, parenting tactics seeing the evidence to back their statistical relevance and benefits, and the self help parenting books.  These are GREAT tools to understand the ages to expect "changes" to occur, the types of behaviors during these phases to expect, and whether or not your child falls in to the progressing normally range, and if not what kind of issues they may need help sought for. The problem, they do not account for the very hormonal human element of each of the individual child(ren).  You as the parent, know your child.  Have faith in that.  When they go from saint to excorcist and you all are around for the ride, take a deep breath.  Encourage them to stop, feel (internal physiology), and remove themselves until they have become communicable.  Even if that means they go to the bathroom, cry their eyes out and come back in a few minutes.  Let them get it out, but that there is a time and a place.  Tell them regardless of how mad or sad they are, taking it out verbally, mental, or physically on another is uncalled for and then need to learn their self- tools to fix it.

You can do it.  I can do it.  Our parents and their parents did it.  It does get better, and then worse, and then better again. 

And until next time,

"God, please keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth. Amen." 

 
*****************************************************
Enjoy what you just read? Subscribe to our posts or become a follower.

Read more »

Posted in: advice for parents,Emotional Development,female,pre-teen,puberty